Play: Wir fliegen gegen England

(All characters and accents farcically exaggerated. At start the ensemble (the CREW) are dispersed to the far corners of the foyer.)

(A man (the KAPITAN) mounts to the landing, strikes a pose)

*Kapitan*	Today, mein loyal but somevat schtupid subordinates – I myself, Graf Otto von Zeppelin, lead you into battle.
*Crew*	(as in 'big deal') Sieg heil.
*Kapitan*	Ve embark on ze great Zeppelin raid ... Wir fliegen gegen England!
*Voice 1*	(whipping up enthusiasm) Wir fliegen gegen England!
	(The ensemble troops towards the stairs)
*Voice 2*	Fliegen gegen England?
*Voice 3*	(less than joyously) Gegen England! He must be joking.
	(Start mounting)
*Voice 4*	(disillusioned) Himmel kreutz! Don't like the sound of this at all. I'm off. (turns back)
*Kapitan*	Niow – ve zing zee Victory anthem, 'Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles'. . . Ein, zwei, drei!
*All*	Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles Uber alles in der Velt Hoch im Himmel flying phallus Raining down vun mighty belt. Drop der bomm on Buck'ham Palace Cherman might iss truly felt! Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles Uber alles in zee 'ole bloody Velt!
	(Back slapping, high fives, laughter etc)
*Kapitan*	Ach! Vel done crew, vel done.
	(A new person (PERCY), wearing a backpack, bursts up through the. ranks)
*Percy*	I say! That's not fair - you jolly well can't just go dropping bombs on the King. Or the jolly Queen for that matter. That's lese majeste! What if we were to drop bombs on the Kaiser? It's unthinkable. It's - it's. . .it's unsporting. Besides (sobs) my dear darling Evangeline works at Buckingham Palace! She's an Under Parlour Maid to one of the Ladies in Waiting.
*Kpaitan*	Allewelt:kreut;zmohrendt;ausendundgranat;ansakrament! (points accusingly) Englischer spy! Achtung! Halt! (looks wonderingly around) Well don't just stand there everybody. Do I have to do everything myself? ... Alright then; it seems I do. Stehen fest! (apprehends Percy)
*Crew*	You're under arrest. We warn you that anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you.
*Percy*	Anything?
*Crew*	Jawohl! Ja bloody wohl!
*Girl*	But you are allowed one telephone call.
*Crew*	Except you viII not be connected. (laugh)
*Kapitan*	(taking Percy by the ear) So – vot iss name you?
*Percy*	Nameyew?
*Kapitan*	Vot you is called, schweinhund.
*Percy*	Oh! You want to know my name? Actually it's quite long. Percival Lancelot Algernon Fauntleroy Earnest Charles Fitzwilliam Fotheringham-Symthe; from Much Muckingabout in the Marsh. But my friends call me Percy – and my dear chap, do let go my ear.
*Kapitan*	Vot?
*Percy*	It tingles, tha:t's why. I've got ringing in the ears, tintintintintintin tinitis, don' t you know, bally nuisance.
*Kapitan*	Ach, vel ve can make zem ringa ding ding – yes? Like a bell. Leutnant, bring me ze bell rope ... for zee spy.
	(the LEUTNANT hands across a t;nkly bell on a tassel)
*Kapitan*	Dumkopf! Kartoffelkopf! Bloody stupid carrot top! Zee bell rope mit der noose. Zee big zick bellrope! (hand round Percy's neck).
*Percy*	I say that's going a bit far - Geneva convention and all that – what? Besides I'm not really a spy, just a sort of tourist really. See (points) backpack – tourist – backpack.
*Kapitan*	Rucksak! Iss German invention.
*Percy*	Really? Oh, then have it your own way. Rucksack – me (indicating) tourist – wanderer.
*Kapitan*	Ach! Vanderer?
*Leutnant*	Could be useful, mein Capitan.
*Kapitan*	Mein Capitan? - Herr Kapitan, dumkopf.
*Leutnant*	(clicks heels, bows) Jawohl mein Capitan, er, er, Herr Kapitan.
*Kapitan*	Stupid boy! But useful, you say?
*Leutnant*	(conspiratoriily) He's got a girl friend in Buck’ham Palace. Be probably visits her there. He knows zee vay.
	(pause)
*Kapitan*	(embracing Percy) Liebe, liebe Percy. Ve are all tourists, vanderers togesser. My leetle – how you say? – joke about schpys und hanging; forget. Und zat leetle lieder about dropping boms on Buck'ham Palace – (laughs) zee boys, zay viII be boys. Ve go on tour togesser – ze Zeppelin tour.
*Percy*	And I can came too? Oh jolly good. I've always wanted a trip in one of these things.
*Kapitan*	Things?
*Percy*	Magnificent things, Captain, with magnificent men and women to fly her.
*Kapitan*	Ach so. Zepplin crew – velcame der Englisher schpy, er, tourist, vanderer aboard. Schtrike up der Englisch anthem.
*Crew*	Rule Brittania! Marmalade and jam! Three Chinese crackers up your arsehole – Bang! Bang! Bang!
	(pause)
*Percy*	Oh dear. Oh dear. I do believe that might have got a little lost in the translation. But thank you for the thought Captain, it's very much appreciated. Charmed, I'm sure.
	(They both bow, the Kapitan* clicking his heels)*
*Kapitan*	Now ve go! Leutnant, zound ze departure!
	(Leutnant* blows a raspberry. The crew scatter up the stairs, leaving the Kapitan at the wheel and Percy alongside.)*
*Leutnant*	(leaning over rail) Cast off forrard. Cast off aft. ... Let it go, you stupid oaf!
*Voice 4*	(OFF BELOW) Don't you stupid oaf me!
*Voice 2*	(OFF) Back ... Back ... (CRASH) ... Stop
*Voice 3*	(OFF) Easy now ... (CRASH) ... I said easy ! ... Dumkopf! (CRASH)
*Leutnant*	(shouting over rail) Let go all! ... (CRASH)
*Leutnant*	(saluting) Ve are flying, Herr Kapitan.
*Kapitan*	Ach – so peaceful. (turns to Percy) Iss not so?
	(Splintering CRASH. Leutnant* bounds up stairs, returns with leafy tree branch)*
*Kapitan*	Mein Gott! Mein vife's favorite Linden tree. Full ahead!
*Leutnant*	Full ahead all Motoren!
	(pause) (Leutnant coughs. .. coughs again. . coughs a number of times)
*Kapitan*	You 'ave zee Englisch disease, Leutnant? You viII be coughing all zee vay to London?
*Leutnant*	(clicks heels and bows) Herr Kapitan, London lies in der Vest. Ve are flyink to ze Ost - zee East!
*Kapitan*	(boxing ears) You zink I do not know, Dumkopf? Ve are gaining height over ze glorious tranquil Reich - now, (spinning wheel vigorously) ve turn into zee battle, er, er, onto zee tourist route to London, eh Percy? (laughs)
*Percy*	Yes, by Jove, tally ho, what? Can I have a go?
*Kapitan*	Of course. (handing over wheel) Liebe, liebe Percy.
	(Kapitan* stands back, looks at Leutnant rubbing hands and leering. Leutnant gives thumbs up)*
*Kapitan*	Now I zink I viII - 'ow you Englisch say? - turn in. You know zee vay Percy?
*Percy*	Like a homing pigeon, old chum.
*Kapitan*	Evangeline is vaiting, ja?
*Percy*	Nighty-night.
	(Kapitan* ascends stairs to OFF)*
*Leutnant*	Iss alvays so, iss alvays zee vay - I do all zee verk, 'e goes off to schleep. And ee vakes mit der sore 'ead.
*Percy*	Oh bosses are like that, old bean. Anyway, what's yer moniker? We're fellow wanderers now. I can't go calling you Leutnant all the time, you know.
*Leutnant*	Hermann, Percy.
*Percy*	Herman? (they shake)
*Leutnant*	Well, Hildegard to be honest. But it's so hard for a girl to get a job these days – especially in aviation. You won't tell?
*Percy*	No way – mum' s the word. Oops (hand to mouth)
*Leutnant*	You can tell!
*Percy*	No! Of course not. But even. . even if, you know ... Trust me – not a word to Bessie.
*Leutnant*	Bessie? But I zought Evangeline?
*Percy*	Hildi it's all getting just a little too much. And you need to rest. Why don't you take a nap too. Everything's hunky dory, we're on track for London, nothing much to see – I'll call you when we cross the Channel.
*Leutnant*	(yawning) I could do viz forty vinks. (settles down in chair) Shame about Evangeline. (nods off)
*Percy*	(looking down) Yes Hildi, ‘tis a shame. (straightens, then sternly) But duty calls!
	(pause)
*Percy*	Hildi? .,, Hermann?
	(Percy pokes the Leutnant, who just snores loudly. Percy then tiptoes back and vigorously turns the wheel.)
*Percy*	My goodness, they do turn easily. Come on baby … come on baby … light my fire … that's the way! … By Jove, I do believe I've turned her round. (does a little jig) Easiest 180 I've ever done.
	(pause)
*Leutnant*	(waking with a start) Ach! Zee strangest zenzation! A zort of turning, rotating …
*Percy*	(instantly putting a hand on her stomach). Oh yes, you're absolutely right, I can feel it myself. Marvellous. (giggles) Oh, and there's a kick. You go back to your well earned rest, m' dear, I have London well in my sights.
*Leutnant*	Evangeline. (sniffs) Schweet schweet Evangeline. (then snores off)
	(pause)
*Percy*	Hildi. Hildi! Wakee wakee. Rise and shine, sweetheart. Crossed the Channel, London'll be coming up shortly.
*Leutnant*	(leaping up, rubbing eyes) Ach so, I fetch Berr Kapitan. (staggers up stairs)
	(The Kapitan comes grandly down the stairs, takes the wheel from Pery. Leutnant takes up position on other side of Kapitan)
*Kapitan*	Und zat is London up ahead? She looks – how you say? – familiar.
*Percy*	Seen one, seen 'em all, old bean. Like peas in a pod, beans on a stalk.
*Kapitan*	He is very droll, zis Percy, eh Leutnant?
*Leutnant*	Jawohl, Herr Kapitan. . .Mind zee Spire! Ve are very low.
*Kapitan*	Percy, you vatch – ve jettison ballast, ve rise (then aside to Leutnant) Bombs avay!
	(CRASH KERBOOM)
*Voice 4*	(from below) Gott im Himmel!
*Kapitan*	Gott im Himmel? Iss German?
*Percy*	Probably Welsh old chap, or he might even be a Geordie. Dialect you know – England's secret weapon. An Englishman's only got to open his mouth for other Englishmen to despise him – let alone not understanding a word he says.
*Kapitan*	Strange – but ve viII teach zem. Und vot iss zat?
*Percy*	Oh, that's the Palace. Hallo Evangeline, I said I'd come back. (waving)
*Kapitan*	Again ve are too low – iss impolite. Vunce more ve jettison ballast. (aside to Leutnant) Bombs avay!
	(CRASH KERBOOM BOOM BOOM)
*Voice 4*	(OFF BELOW) Alleweltkreutzmohrendtausendhimmelsternundgranatensakrament!
	(The Kapitan and Leutnant* are open mouthed with horror. Percy nonchantly unzips his backpack.)*
*Percy*	Cheerio chums, got to be off now. Enjoyed the ride. See you Hildi. Toodle oo!
	(He mounts the banister-rail and slides down with a white bedsheet 'parachute' streaming from his backpack.) (pause)
*Voice 4*	(OFF BELOW) Is that you up there Zeppelin, by any chance?
	(pause)
*Kapitan*	(quavering) Ja … Jawohl meinherr.
	(pause)
*Voice 4*	The Kaiser would like a word with you.
	The End